21. Positive Pairing
This chapter is written especially for all people who are part of a pair. That means just about everyone: we have sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, and coworkers. Each of these constitutes a pair for us.
The skills in positive pairing make an important difference in our lives. Conversely, pain or trouble of any sort is usually a symptom of negative pairing. In the following pages, I would like to give you both the flavor and substance of what I mean by positive pairing.
Let us start our learning about positive pairing by thinking of each transaction as a creative act worthy of our total attention and focus. Let us further consider that each, person is a human treasure and miracle, rare and irreplaceable. If we remember this, then we can invent each interaction specifically for that one occasion. The next interaction will be in a different time, context, and state of being, and will call for a different kind of exchange.
As we saw in the chapter on couples, any pair consists of three parts: two individuals (you and me) and the relationship between those two individuals (us). Positive pairing allows room for each of these parts. Each part is of equal value. Positive pairers know that if any one of the parts is denied, suppressed, or pushed into the background, the positive nature of the relationship disappears.
For each person to flourish, each needs psychological permission to be him- or herself, to develop these interests and parts that especially fit. Furthermore, each partner willingly and knowledgeably supports the other in this regard and, in turn, is supported. Each is respected by the other, each is autonomous, and each is unique.
The “us” part is where the partners deal with each other. Here they experience the joy, the pleasure——and sometimes the struggle——of being with each other, making decisions and operating as teammates. This relationship has a life of its own. The nature of the relationship will be greatly influenced by the way each partner feels about her- or himself (self-worth) and the way they communicate.
Think of the way the different pairs in your family operate. Are you in some relationships within your family where you would like to practice more positive pairing?
Various forms of submission and domination characterize the pair model that most of us grew up with. I will henceforth refer to this model as the threat-and-reward model. The stances in this model are: one person kneels be- low, looking up; the other stands above, looking down. Symbolically, one is on top and the other is on the bottom. The communication is likely to include some form of blaming and placating. In the extreme form, this is the picture of the victim-victimizer pair.
In a variation of this, one person carries the other on his or her back. This stance epitomizes dependency.
To make pairing positive, each person has to stand on his or her own feet. In relationships modeled on threats and rewards, each person holds the attitude that she or he is unequal to the other in value. For example, they might describe themselves as little in relation to big, poor in relation to rich, powerless in relation to powerful, and so forth. These designations are then rationalized in terms of role, precedent, background, and prejudice. For example, a child and an adult might value themselves differently, as might a woman and a man, student and teacher, or non-white and white.
Relationships based on an equality of value include such distinctions as a description of only a part of the person, not a definition of the person. Whether people are little, big, poor, or rich diminishes neither their value as human beings nor their potentials or possibilities. Positive pairing is based on the gut-and-bone acceptance of this idea. When we change our consciousness to fit this, we can create real safety and peace in the world.
We are still poorly prepared for being living models in relationships of equality. People’s hearts have always wanted to feel accepted by other people but somehow their minds could not always comprehend how to do this. Not having this deep-seated sense of human equality is probably the real source of war. We have a lot of new learning to do about positive pairing.
The central factors in equality are giving value to one’s self and being really responsible through standing squarely on one’s own feet.
“My Declaration of Self-Esteem” says it well (see the end of chapter 3).
How long does it take and what has to happen for someone who was brought up to say “yes” to everything (placate) to become autonomous and say their real “yes’s” and “no’s”? Similarly, how long does it take someone who has always been in charge to share his or her power? The good news is that it will probably take only as long as you need to create a picture of what you want, take courage, and create the plan to make it happen. I hope this book will help you with your picture and strengthen your courage to act.
Specifically, make a map that shows all your family pairs. If you are a member of a family or other living group, you are paired in some way with each other member. I am doing the following map from the vantage point of Eloise, a 16 year old. You can vary your map any way you need to include all the members of your family.
Eloise is part of three pairs. Each of her pairings is likely to be different. This is true for each person in the family.
It will be helpful and informative for each person in the family or group to do this and then share findings with each other. After finishing, each person looks at each pair. Notice in which ones you feel equal. In which ones do you feel submissive or dominant? In which ones do you feel dependent? In which ones do you feel you are a caretaker? Can you already see some ways that you can change that will make a difference? (To remind yourself of possibilities, re-read chapters 4, 5 and 6 on communication.)
As we go through further descriptions of positive pairing, you may see some further ways to reshape your relationships. The goal is to feel equal and valued in your various pairs, to hold that feeling toward each pair mate, and to meet issues with honesty, courage, and creativity. You don’t have to get anyone’s permission to do this, any more than the sun needs permission to shine. You are in charge of your own contribution to positive pairing.
You may feel that your relationships are embedded in concrete and could never change. Chances are you feel that way only because those patterns have gone on so long. However, if it really turns out that there are no further possibilities, let go of the relationship. We need to know when to stop trying. There is no point in continuing to bump your head against a stone wall. Too many people have pinned themselves on the cross of completing what they started without asking themselves whether it fits, is feasible, or is even desirable.
It is also important to exhaust all possibilities before we let go. Overhauling a relationship sometimes takes patience, imagination, and innovativeness. Many times all that has to be done is to give it time and attention.
If you have such a relationship now, start by inviting your partner to join you. Then share your wishes with that partner. Most of the time your partners will be happy to help. Some partners will be shy or fearful at first and need to be reassured. Many people are afraid they will be blamed. Your partners need to be reassured that this is not an exercise in scolding. Rather, it is an experience in loving.
With your pair mate, read through the various points in this chapter’s earlier description of positive pairing. Picture yourself and your partner as already having achieved what you want. When you do this, you send hope to yourself and are no longer sending negative energy.
Learning how to pair positively is new to many of us. Let us give ourselves support, love, and patience while we enter a relatively new world of equality of value with all other human beings. Each relationship is as we experience it, pair by pair, and person by person. The stakes are high: replacing the threat-and-reward model with one of positive pairing could improve global as well as personal relations.
Teach yourself to become receptive and aware whenever you interact with another person. Let all your attention be focused for that time on that partner. Remember the position that facilitates good contact: being at arm’s length and eye level, with each person feeling physically comfortable. If there is a height difference, find something for one to stand on to put yourselves at eye level. This position will help each of you see, hear, understand, and listen better. This position also gives you maximum freedom to move. You are free to touch, to move closer or farther away. Creating this context for children often produces miracles in their feeling of acceptance and thence changes in any negative behavior.
Once you have established your communication context, focus on being clear and congruent. This means being honest and direct. Give yourself permission to be fully present: to let your mind and attention stay with your partner and not with something outside, such as the call you need to make to Aunt Elsie.
If you can’t be present, don’t attempt contact. You will be disappointed in your results if you do. It is very unnerving to be with someone whose body is present, but whose attention is somewhere else. If someone asks to engage you when you can’t be present, simply say so and arrange another time.
Prepared to be liberal with humor, love, respect, and good will, you will hit the jackpot. The more serious the situation, the more you will need the above. Remember that a relationship lacking any occasional stimulation and excitement gets jaded. A little horsing around can be a big help.
A relationship is like a bud opening a little at a time, or like the universe gradually revealing its secrets. It does it through love, timing, and exploration.
I believe that having fun, playing the clown, being the child, or doing silly things together also give the same adrenalin response as, and are much healthier than, fighting. Appreciate the child within you and each other. Especially in families, let the child in each of you romp. Your kids don’t need to have all the fun. Having fun together is a
positive bonding. Preparing for your interactions in this way adds wonderful possibilities; you can also be clear-headed and clear-thinking when you are willing to follow the simple steps I have just presented.
To summarize this chapter, the ingredients of all successful and satisfying pairing are the same, whether the two people are lovers, parents, children, siblings, friends, or co-workers. These roles merely decide the form and context in which interaction takes place. Likewise, factors such as age, race, nationality, gender, and status serve simply to individualize each person. When pairing occurs between people who occupy unequal power positions, it is important to remember that their positions are not the same as their personal value. Personal value remains the same.
In any stage of any relationship, each interaction includes an opportunity for clarifying, strengthening, broadening, and reshaping the pairing. This in turn nourishes the participants.
As you contact your pair member, see that person as a unique being. Do the same for yourself. Recognize further that the uniqueness of each partner can continue to emerge: change is frequent, and new possibilities constantly open up. When we accept this, we significantly enlarge the boundaries of ourselves, as members of the pair, and of the relationship itself. This paves the way for that exquisite experience of feeling in tune with another, and perhaps even dancing to similar drummers.
The factors in a positive pairing relationship are:
Each person stands firmly on his or her own feet and is autonomous.
Each person can be counted on to say real “yes’s” and “no’s”——in other words, to be emotionally honest.
Each person can ask for what she or he wants.
Each acknowledges and takes responsibility for her or his actions.
Each can keep promises.
Each can be counted on to be kind, fun to be around, courteous, considerate, and real.
Each takes full freedom to choose to comment on what is going on.
Each supports the other’s dreams in whatever way possible. Together, they cooperate instead of competing.
All of this is doable. It is sensible and simple. The difficulties center around the pull of old experiences from the threat-reward model, from ignorance and lack of a positive model. Positive pairing can help us shift to a new way of being together.
We live in a world that seems to foster alienation, competition, and suspicion instead of connectedness and trust. Many of us fear that what we yearn for can never happen, so we resign ourselves to doom or something second rate. Yet positive pairing can happen; it is happening, and it can happen more.
This is the scope, flavor, and substance of positive pairing. join me in making it a more frequent reality.