4. Self-Worth: The Source of Personal Energy
Let us imagine that inside each one of us is a power center responsible for maintaining life and hooked up to a universal power source. Each center has a generator that produces energy to continue life. The center is fueled by our breath, which comes from a central energy source. Without breath, there is no life.
The generator has many valves that control the rate of each person’s energy, its quantity, and the directions in which it is channeled. Let us further imagine that what controls the valves are the knowledge and feelings that we have about ourselves. Our body language and activities reflect our thoughts and emotions. When we appreciate and love ourselves, our energy builds. When we use this energy positively and harmoniously to make a smoothly running system within each self, it creates a strong foundation from which that self can cope creatively, realistically, and compassionately with what life presents.
Another way of expressing this is: “When I feel good about myself and like myself, the chances are excellent that I will be able to meet life from a position of dignity, honesty, strength, love, and reality.” This is the state of high self-esteem.
On the other hand, if a person’s feeling toward him- or herself is one of depreciation, limitation, disgust, or any other negative attitude, the energy becomes diffused and fragmented. The self weakens, becoming a victim defeated by life: “If I do not like myself, I devalue and punish myself. I meet life from a position of fear and impotence, creating a state in which I feel victimized and act accordingly. I punish myself and others blindly. I become interchangeably subservient and tyrannical. I hold others responsible for my actions.” In the accompanying psychological state, a person feels he or she doesn’t count, feels a constant threat of rejection, and lacks the ability to look at her- or himself, others, and events in perspective. This is a state of low self-esteem.
A person who does not value him- or herself will expect someone else——a wife, husband, son, or daughter——to be responsible for bestowing that value. This often leads to endless manipulations that usually backfire on both parties.
To many, it may seem radical or even destructive to hear that it is essential for human beings to love and value themselves. To many people, loving one’s self is selfishness, and thus an act against another, a war between people.
To avoid being against others, people have been taught to love others instead of themselves. This results in self-depreciation. The question also arises, if one does not love self, how can one know how to love others? We have plenty of evidence that loving oneself makes it possible to love others; self-worth and selfishness are not the same.
Being selfish is a form of upsmanship in which the message is some variation of “I am better than you.” Loving oneself is a statement of value. When I value myself, I can love others as equally valuable. When I don’t like myself, my feelings for others may be envy or fear.
We may also fear being criticized for seeming se1f-centered. I have found that the first step toward diminishing fear is to acknowledge it openly. You might say, for example, “I am afraid you will reject me if I tell you I like myself.” Then check on your perception: “Is that true?” Ninety-five percent of the time, the answer will be, “No, I don’t reject you; I feel you are brave to say so.” It is amazing what happens when we confront our own monster——Fear of Rejection——especially in this simple way.
Good human relations and appropriate and loving behavior stem from persons who have strong feelings of self-worth. Simply stated, persons who love and value themselves are able to love and value others and treat reality appropriately. Having a strong sense of self-worth is the way to become more fully human, to having health and happiness, gaining and maintaining satisfying relationships, and being appropriate, effective, and responsible.
When one cares for oneself, one will not do anything to injure, degrade, humiliate, or otherwise destroy oneself or another, and will not hold others responsible for one’s actions. For example, people who care for themselves would not abuse themselves through the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco or allow themselves to be physically or emotionally abused by others. People who care for themselves would not violate their relationships to others through violence.
Those who do not love themselves can easily become instruments of hate and destruction by unscrupulous people. They essentially give away their power, which often leads to emotional slavery. Perpetual placating exemplifies this.
The stronger one’s self-worth, the easier it is to have and maintain the courage to change one’s behavior. The more one values oneself, the less one demands from others. The less one demands from others, the more one can feel trust. The more one trusts oneself and others, the more one can love. The more one loves others, the less one fears them. The more one builds with them, the more one can know them. The more one knows another, the greater is one’s bond and bridge with them. Self—worth behavior will thus help end the isolation and alienation between persons, groups, and nations today.
I invite you to look at two human facts.
FACT 1. Everyone has fingerprints and each set of fingerprints is unique, belonging only to that person. I REALLY AM THE ONLY ONE EXACTLY LIKE ME IN THIS WHOLE WORLD. THEREFORE I AM GUARANTEED TO BE DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE IN SOME WAYS.
FACT 2. All human beings have the same basic physical ingredients——feet, arms, heads, etc.——and they are the same relative to each other. Therefore, I AM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN SOME BASIC PHYSICAL WAYS.
However, since I am also unique, I am different from and the same as everyone else in many ways.
These perspectives are very important in the development of self-esteem. Every person is a discovery. There is no way we can morally fashion one person in another’s image. This means not asking a child to live in a parent’s or vice versa.
When I can acknowledge that I am a unique being with the sameness and differentness of every other human being, then I can stop comparing myself to anyone else, and thus stop judging and punishing myself.
I can then learn about me. Many people act as though they think sameness creates love, and differentness creates dissension and difficulties. If we hold that view, we have no way of feeling whole. We will always feel split. I contend that we meet on the basis of our sameness and grow on the basis of our differences.
It is in honoring all parts of ourselves and being free to accept those parts that we lay the groundwork for high self-esteem. To do otherwise is to thwart nature. Many of us have created serious problems for ourselves by failing to understand that we are unique beings. We have tried instead to stuff ourselves into a mold so we will be like everyone else.
Some styles of parenting are based on comparison and conformity. This almost always results in low self-esteem. Accepting our uniqueness is one important foundation of self-esteem. Parents need to join the child in discovering who she or he is.
Let us think of a child as the outcome of two seeds that have joined. These seeds carry the physical resources of individuals who have preceded the child. These include tendencies and talents as well as physical characteristics. Each sperm and egg are channels from the past to the present.
Each of us has a different reservoir from which we draw. Whatever our heritage, it is our response to and our use of that heritage that make us different. We come into the world with a specific set of attributes, a unique cluster of variables selected from myriad possibilities of people who have preceded us.
Maybe another way of looking at this is: the sperm from any man contains physical manifestations of all the people who came before him, that is, his mother, his father, his grandmother, his grandfather——all those people connected by blood to him. The egg of any woman likewise contains physical manifestations of all who came before her. These are the initial resources from which we all draw.
Each person thus becomes a study in uniqueness and needs to be discovered and responded to in terms of that human specialness. Each human being is like an unlabeled
plant seed. We sow it and then wait to see what the plant turns out to be. Once it arrives, we have to discover its needs, what it looks like, how it flowers, and so forth. If we as adults have not yet discovered this for ourselves, now is a good time to start.
Perhaps the greatest challenge to parents is to plant our seeds in good faith and then wait to see what kind of plants they will become. The goal is to have no preconceptions about how a child should be. Instead, parents need to accept the fact that the plant will be unique unto itself. The child will have sameness as well as differentness in relation to each parent and every other human being. This makes parents discoverers, explorers, and detectives, rather than judges and molders. Parents can use time, patience, and observation to learn about the new treasure that has come into the world.
All individuals constantly shift and change. One is physically different at sixteen from what one has been at five or will be at eighty. This also applies to experience: a woman yet to bear a child is different from one who has given birth. Given this continual process of change, I strongly suggest we consciously keep discovering who we are. We might call this our Updating Program. Reacquaint yourself with yourself and other family members. Bring yourselves up to date with the changes and growths that have taken place.
Families who know about updating having found it helpful to arrange such a time every few months or so. Take a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon. The topic is “What new has been happening to me lately?” Everyone has a chance to share, not just the children. Leadership can rotate among the members.
It is important to keep a context of unconditional love and an uncritical attitude. The growths can include new bodily growth (“I grew three inches”), new skills (“Look, Ma, no hands [as I ride a bicycle]”), new views, new questions, and new jokes.
Don’t forget the celebration party afterward. You will probably find these times can be very enjoyable. You might try creating a funny or romantic theme, for instance.
This process gives everyone’s self-esteem a boost. We can each be seen as we now are, not as we were five months or two years ago. This also helps us put the past in perspective.
I have heard teenagers say, “But I am not a child anymore.” This time-honored assertion of change is a good reminder. Staying up-to-date with each other furthers understanding and develops new opportunities for connection and excitement. Sometimes what is discovered is painful. That, too, is part of life and also needs airing.
I have a metaphor that families have found helpful. Think of a circular fountain that has hundreds of jet holes. Imagine each of these little holes as a symbol of growth in ourselves. As we grow, more of these jets open. Others are finished and close down. The fountain design keeps changing. It can always be beautiful; we are dynamic beings in constant movement.
Each of our fountains is in play even in infancy. The psychological reservoir from which an infant draws self-esteem is the outcome of all the actions, reactions, and interactions between and among the persons who care for that infant.
Coming into the world with a clean slate, the infant’s sense of value and worth is a by-product of adults’ handling. Adults can be unaware that the way they touch a child can contribute to the child’s self-esteem. Children learn self-esteem from the voices they hear, the expressions in the eyes of the adults who handle them, the muscle tones as they are held, the way adults respond to their cries.
If the infant could talk, the words might be, “I am loved,” “I am unnoticed; I feel rejected; I feel lonely,” “I am most important,” “I don’t count. I am a burden.” These are all forerunners to later messages of self-worth.
For parents starting out with new babies, giving attention to the following will greatly enhance the opportunity to develop self-worth of the babies.
Teach yourself to be aware of how you touch. If you were on the other end of your touch, how would it feel? When you touch your child, imagine what the child is learning. Is your touch hard, soft, weak, wet, loving, fearful, anxious? Tell your child what you are feeling.
Teach yourself to be aware of the expressions in your eyes. Then acknowledge them: “I am angry,” “I am scared,” “I am happy,” and so forth. The important thing is to give your child straight emotional information from you about you.
Very young children tend to think all events occurring around them are because of them. That includes both good and bad events. One significant part of teaching self-esteem is to differentiate accurately between those events that belong to the child and those that belong to someone else. When you talk to your child, be very specific about whom your pronouns represent. For example, a mother, upset with one child’s behavior, may say, “You kids never listen to me!” This is heard and believed by all her children present, though she is intending the message for one in particular.
Support children’s ability and freedom to comment or ask questions, so that each person can verify what’s going on. In the example above, the child with freedom to inquire can ask, “Do you mean me?”
All events, actions, voices, and the like that occur around infants are registered within them and, at some level, have meaning. Regressing adults to childhood through hypnosis validates these conclusions. Infants often register these events without the context that could adequately explain them. Without understanding these circumstances, the events become foundations for later false conclusions and consequent behavior.
I recommend that parents tell their infants what is going on, clearly indicating the context and the persons involved. When you and your spouse have had a fight, for instance, both of you could go to your infant’s bed or playpen and take turns telling the child what is happening. This is particularly important if your child’s name has been used by either of you in the fight. For example,
MOTHER (picking up child from crib, holding the child lovingly): Your father and I just had a fight. I wanted to take you over to my mother’s house tonight. Your father is objecting. I have a short fuse. I got very angry and called him names.
FATHER (holding the child and looking directly at him or her): Your mother and I just finished a big fight. We still get mad when we have opposing ideas. I want to be home tonight, and your mother wants to go out. It is important for you to know that you are not the cause of this fight. We do it all by ourselves.
Being angry is different from describing anger; the tone of voice changes. I have seen babies as young as four months crying as their parents fight. When the fight was over and the parents talked to the child in the manner I’ve described, the child started smiling and went off to sleep.
Events do not have to be negative to confuse a child. They can be positive: “Your grandmother is coming today,” or “Your father won a million dollars in the lottery.” Events trigger emotional responses. Events color the emotional context. Tell your infants about that, too.
Infants do not differentiate context from event, and event from self unless they are given help. The goal is to verbalize and clarify so that the child can know what is going on.
Another way to help a young child gain self-worth is to speak directly at eye level, using the child’s name, touching lovingly, and carefully enunciating “I” and “you.” When you do this, take the time to center yourself and be fully present for the child. Do not be thinking about something else. These directions will enable you to make full contact with the child, to successfully convey your love.
Self-esteem is further taught by calling attention to your child’s sameness and differentness. Introduce this in the spirit of discovery, not in the context of competition or comparison (see “My Declaration of Self-Esteem” at the end of the previous chapter).
Self-esteem also is taught when you offer a child many opportunities to stimulate his or her interest and then patiently guide the child to a sense of mastery.
You, the parent, also teach self-esteem by how you manage discipline. When you become aware of the need to strengthen your child’s self-worth while at the same time being very realistic, your efforts will produce the courage and strength to reshape behavior. A child treated with high esteem responds well to guidance.
For example, you have asked your child of three to pick up his or her toys. Your child does not respond immediately, proceeding as if you had not spoken. With the goal of heightening self-esteem, you recognize the communication has not been completed and recall that if one is immersed in thought or activity, people’s voices can be faint.
You may also realize that your child’s reaction might be a response to the hard tone in your voice. Or perhaps you made your request in an incongruent or nagging way. In addition, you may recognize that your child is playing around with power.
You can handle all these possibilities effectively by contacting the child at eye level, touching her or him in a loving way, and then, in a light but firm voice, saying that it is time to put things away. Become the cheering section while this is going on, turning the whole episode into a happy learning event.
Supporting self-worth helps a child toward creative amends-making and accepting the consequences of his or her behavior. This is another way to approach discipline as a chance for learning. Perhaps the most erosive effect on self-esteem comes from adults who shame, humiliate, deprive, or punish children for unacceptable behavior.
A self that is clearly loved and valued will learn new ways more easily.
Adults are the initiators, teachers, and models for self-esteem. However, we can’t teach what we don’t know. When wise people learn that they don’t know, they can set out to learn. When people arrive at parenthood without high self-esteem themselves, they have new opportunities to gain it as they guide their children.
Many of us parents still suffer from the low self-esteem we learned growing up. It can be a bit of a bind when we ask ourselves to teach what we were never taught. However, the fortunate part is that self-worth can be reshaped at any age. Once one discovers one has low self-worth, is willing to acknowledge that condition, and is willing to change, one can achieve high self-worth. Developing self-worth takes time, patience, and the courage to risk new things. Investing in these efforts means we can release vast, untapped resources through developing value feelings for ourselves.
I often fantasize what would happen if, after tonight's sleep, everyone woke up with high self-esteem. i think our world would be very different. People would be able to treat themselves and each other with love, with kindness, and with reality.